Self-Doubt and Rumination Happen When Bad Things Happen

Not long ago, a client told me he’s recently been going over things that happened in the past-things he wasn’t proud of, but things he’d come to terms with.

“I thought I had dealt with all that stuff,” he said, “but lately I just keep going over them. I can’t seem to stop myself.”

“Did it start after something bad happened?” I asked, knowing he’d lost his partner of many years the previous summer.

“Yes,” he said, after a moment’s thought. “It started after Lucy died.”

When something bad happens, our perceived “contract with life”-that unspoken belief that if we behave well and do the best we can, nothing bad will happen to us-is broken and we feel unsafe, unsure. This translates into

doubting,

questioning, and

second-guessing ourselves, in all areas of our lives.

We start to dwell on the negative: decisions we came to regret, choices we didn’t make, opportunities we missed. It’s a normal part of the grieving process, even if what we’re grieving isn’t the loss of a person. It happens with a job loss, a change in identity, any kind of loss.

I explained this to my client and he thought it made sense and gave him a reason why he’d been ruminating so much on the negatives in his life.

“Now that you’re aware of it,” I said, “you may not do it as much. But if you do, tell yourself it’s normal, and try to let it go. Don’t beat yourself up for it.”¹

This self-doubt can overtake us, even after small losses-after anything bad happens. If you get into a fender-bender, you’ll likely find yourself, in the days after the accident, dithering over decisions you’d normally make easily.

It takes time for you to “re-inhabit” your normal self. It’s a process. One you can navigate with self-compassion.

So if you are having a hard time, if you are focused on the negative, think back: Did you suffer a loss recently? Did you make a mistake or was there a serious miscommunication somewhere in your life? If so, you may be experiencing the fallout from that.

Think back to that moment in time and try to offer yourself some compassion.

• Just because something bad happened doesn’t mean you did anything wrong.
• Just because you made a mistake doesn’t mean you are a mistake.
• Just because you lost someone, doesn’t mean you deserve to be punished.

Take some deep breaths-long inhales, long exhales-and take back your power today.

Yes, that bad thing happened, but that doesn’t mean:

• I can’t make a decision today. I know what I’m doing in this situation.
• I made the wrong decision way back when. I did the best I could in that situation.
• I deserve to be punished. We are all imperfect and I deserve good things in my life.

Remember, you are a flawed human being and you are worthy of love and belonging.

¹I sent this blog post to my client asking permission to post, and this was the response I got: “I think this is very good. When we had the conversation on this subject, I began to feel better, and having this to read when the doubt and negativity recur as it does sometimes will be so helpful! Yes, post it, I am sure the reaction will be positive!” (Again, used with permission.)

Originally published at http://dianemackinnon.com.